Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
did you just send me my own nude
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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