So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
