I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize