Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
