Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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