all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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