FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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