hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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