my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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