I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
