well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
