new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My pussy is not your playground.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
