That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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