Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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