you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
