Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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