would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
