My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
