he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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