john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
