Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
