I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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