Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
