Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
