I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
