He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
