when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
