After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
