dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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