Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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