I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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