this beer tastes like vomit already
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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