she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
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