just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Randomize
