I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Randomize
