Fine. I'll sleep in my office
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
