I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I need a burrito and a hug.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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