He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
