i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
