Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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