i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
