She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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