forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize