I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
