I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
