nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
