i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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