I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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