you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize