so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
