So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
