eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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