so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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