Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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