You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
