She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
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