This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
