i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
