please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
