I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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