I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
