i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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