Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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