I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
