I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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