This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Enjoy the penises
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
