i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
