Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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