You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
